Doom-o-meter: 30 September 2009.

Well, there's a new level of Doom in town: Beware of Bears and Perverts. And sadly, that is the level we are currently experiencing.

First of all, the makers of Snuggie (shudder) have released a new product: Snuggie for Dogs. I cannot express my full horror at this development; it is truly unholy. The original Snuggie was terrifying enough, but this is surely from the marketing department of R'lyeh, Incorporated.

In other news, nearby waters have recently acquired a new sheen of terror, as a giant squid was found in the Gulf of Mexico -- the first of its kind since 1954. I can only conclude that these krakens of the deep are stalking my associate, Evn (the Lover of Strife) -- just as he has long suspected. Perhaps this squid is a harbinger of water-based doom to come? We must hope otherwise, and remain vigilant of unseen tentacles.

Finally, a bit of good news. It seems that Pagans and Goths are trying to reclaim Morris dancing in the UK. I always suspected that Morris dancing would be fun, but could never quite get beyond the synchronized hankie waving. I hope to see one of these "grittier" performances one day.

Times may be dark, but no one said we couldn't have a bit of fun. Right?

Doom-o-meter: 23 September 2009.

It seems almost laughable to check the gauge on the Doom-o-meter these days, since I've been praying to be eaten first for a long time now, but I've seen a few interesting things lately, and I'd say that we're really only at level "Slightly Unsettling, But Not Too Alarming" -- despite my protestations.

Let's start with a little sunshine amongst the usual grey detritus. Kate Harding recently presented a beautiful dissection of celebrity-death apophenia in her Jezebel piece criticizing the "Summer of Celebrity Death." We can be assured that common knowledge is often wrong, of course -- though I am still somewhat relieved to be non-famous at this time...just in case.

In the other news, devout Christians can now make sure their pets are taken care of after "the rapture" by atheists -- who at least love animals, even if they are godless heathens, and whatnot.

And finally, a red panda escaped from a zoo in the UK, proving that the pandas are in fact coming -- though not the kind that can hide in an Oreo cookie factory, sadly.

See, we're practically safe as houses these days. Except for all the doom, of course.

Doom-o-meter: 31 March 2008.

Super Special Bonus Threat Level: If the Zombies Have Creutzfeld-Jacob Disease, What Does That Say about Us?

Okay, there are circumstances, and then there are circumstances. And then there’s dumb, and then there’s crazy. Batshit crazy.

You know.

I heard a story the other day, sort of third or fourth hand, via my Mom, via my crazy Grandma, via her goat-farming significant other (I am so not making that up), via some random Missouri local paper the goat farmer read. You would think I would trust a pedigree like that, but I’ve met my Grandma and she’s not only loopy on a good day, but she can’t hear a thing.

I figured that the story was some sort of tangled telephone game of the hearing impaired.

Sadly, no. It turns out that a man in Deepwater, Missouri (former home of the Jones clan) did in fact shoot his wife through a wall [link broken] while trying to install a satellite system. He had tried “other means” to drill a hole in the wall, but turned to his pistol when those other methods failed.

None of the accounts I found online mentioned whether or not the gentleman in question was under the influence of anything other than poor judgment — but knowing the area, I wouldn’t be surprised. (There should be a billboard at the city limits of Deepwater, MO proclaiming proudly in an old-timey script font: “Meth — we had it first!”)

So…that’s Exhibit A. Now for Exhibit B.

Recently, a very disturbed man — a child molester, in fact — blamed his predilections on (wait for it, wait for it…) Sasquatch.

Sigh.

Bigfoot gets a bad rap. I mean, lots of people have reported that Bigfoot is frequently accompanied by Big Odor, and some have claimed that he behaved in a rather threatening manner. Still, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Bigfoot harboring illicit thoughts of man-boy love — and I used to read The Weekly World News regularly. So stop hating on Bigfoot, stupid-ass criminals!

Other than that, a general aura of doom pervades everything — too many horrors to report. So, until next time, hoard some grain/gold/guns/leftover Easter candy, and be sure your alien abduction insurance is up to date.

Doom-o-meter: 16 October 2007.

Threat Level: Human Flesh Tastes Like Spam

As I procrastinate further on the previously mention post about hauntings, I bring you a further installment of the Doom-o-meter.

Well, things are getting pretty weird out there. Although I fear it may become a tradition, I will lead with a weather-related story: Chicago had to shut down its famous marathon…because of the heat. In October. To quote: “At least 49 runners were taken to hospitals because of heat-related ailments; hundreds more were treated on site.”

Also, dogs and cats aren’t just living together. They are supposedly giving birth to one another, according to several reports in China.

El chupacabras has been hanging out near San Antonio [link broken], which is cool enough, except that the supposed body looks more like a mongrel chihuahua than a terrifying, blood-sucking fiend. (Most reports claim these goat-suckers are blue, which is a fun detail.)

Finally, here is a sad story from the world of toys: Even sock monkeys are not immune to the scourge of the zombie plague.

Until next time (if there is a next time), please be cautious around zombified toys, and stay hydrated. Or something.

Doom-o-meter: 14 August 2007.

Threat Level: Zombie Attack Imminent.

I think it’s high time we examine our current level of doom. To aid in analysis, I have invented a doom scale, which ranges from “Rainbows and Unicorns” (no doom in sight) to “The Elder Gods Return” (better hope Cthulhu eats you first, because All Hope Is Lost).

Don’t worry, I’ll post a full list of all threat levels before the next installment…if there is one. And hopefully there will be, although we are at threat level “Zombie Attack Imminent.” Trust me, that’s pretty bad.

Here’s how I calculated our current Doomocity…

New York City flooded last week — and there were tornadoes in Brooklyn. Sure, both of those things are pretty doomtastic without further examination, but since freak flooding of NYC was a major plot point in the disaster movie “The Day After Tomorrow,” it gets bonus points. (I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that any news item involving flash frozen helicopter pilots — or, god help us, mammoths — moves the Doom-o-meter directly to “Elder God” level.)

While we’re on the subject of weather, I should point out that Houston (and most of Texas) is currently under a heat advisory. I mean, it’s hot here all the time, just not usually hot enough to kill. (I never knew, but it’s actually the ubiquitous humidity that makes the heat so dangerous here. Humidity slows the evaporation of sweat, so your natural cooling ability is is hampered.) Anyway, it’s 107 degrees outside, and more like Death Valley in my un-air-conditioned car, and I’m starting to suspect that we may have slipped into the fiery depths of hell.

I’ll issue an emergency post if I start to smell brimstone. And move the Doom-o-meter up a notch, too…

On a much more somber note, our local Pacifica station, KPFT 90.1 FM, had a shooting very early Monday morning [link broken]. (Who knew zydeco music could push someone that far?) Thankfully no one was hurt, but as a long time volunteer, this completely freaked me out. This is actually the event that pushed out threat level to such a high reading. I recently was on the receiving end of some truly frightening road rage just a couple of blocks from my house, and I have come to conclusion that Houston is in a very dark place right now. There is a lot of aggression floating around — more than usual — so I’m not joking when I say you should be extra cautious out there.

However, not all is darkness and gloom in the world. Sure, the end is nigh (it always is), but I have some very happy news to post. Apparently, Darth Vader was contacted by some kids messing around with a ouija board. (Scroll down to the second post on the linked page to see the exact entry.)

Sure, someone was probably pushing the planchette, but that someone had a sense of humor — which may be the only effective defense against doom.

Until next time, keep on the lookout for zombies and tentacles…

Doom! (Explained.)

Here are the current threat levels represented in the Doom-o-meter, from least to most threatening, with explanations.

Rainbows and Unicorns
All is well in the world. In fact, everything is so peachy that the world is starting to resemble a Lisa Frank notebook cover…which is sort of chilling in its own way, when you think about it.

Puppies and Kittens Living Together
Mild chaos, but still too cute to be considered threatening.

Slightly Unsettling, But Not Too Alarming
The whole situation is just “fair to middling,” as my father would say. Hope and Doom are pretty much at balance.

Human Flesh Tastes Like Spam
Like a random comment that raises suspicion in an otherwise unremarkable conversation, small events indicate that the greater situation is starting to go bad.

Rumors and Rumors of Rumors
Nothing worse than a few minor disasters of Biblical proportion, and they all seem sort of distant and unconnected to you.

Beware of Bears and Perverts
Inspired by a Japanese sign, this is a sure sign of escalating Doom. Everything seems to have a shiny veneer of menace, and we must be on guard.

I Told You So
You can no longer deny that doom is getting close and personal.

Zombie Attack Imminent
Barricade the windows and doors, and be sure to kill the bitten before they turn.

A Hindenburg on Every Corner
Large scale doom is ubiquitous.

The Elder Gods Return
There is nothing left to do but pray that you will be eaten first.

This scale is subject to change and clarification as needed. Updates will be posted here. (Last updated 30 September 2009.)